In today's society, what can be considered appropriate for the modern straight man?

By Mike Reid | July 2025

Sunday, July 4, 1875. Jake Gyllenhaal steps out of a time portal from 150 years in the future and is greeted by the Big Four Gentlemen, who seem to be expecting him.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Gents! I'm so honored to be in the company of such legendary American figures. I hope you don't mind my little intrusion. Truly, I cannot express how honored I am.

John D. Rockefeller: Not at all, Mr. Gyllenhaal. It's a delight to meet a great American like you from our glorious and thriving future. We have heard much about your accomplishments.

Andrew Carnegie: Indeed, Mr. Gyllenhaal. Your interest in our triumphs as the Big Four Gentlemen of American History is heartening, and we'd be thrilled to share our insights with you.

J.P. Morgan: I concur. Your achievements in the entertainment industry are impressive, Mr. Gyllenhaal. How can we assist you?

Jake Gyllenhaal: Well, fellow gentlemen, I have a personal issue I'd like your expertise on. You see, I was a fool at 29. I'm trying to make amends with someone I've wronged in my past, a woman from your future named Taylor. How can I get her to forgive me?

Cornelius Vanderbilt: Ah, Mr. Gyllenhaal, we've all been foolish in our younger years. One of the most important things you can do is to genuinely apologize and express your remorse for any and all of the mistakes you've made.

Andrew Carnegie: Indeed, Mr. Gyllenhaal. An honest, heartfelt apology for your mistakes can go a long way. It's crucial to own your actions and show a sincere desire to make things right.

J.P. Morgan: Additionally, Mr. Gyllenhaal, give Taylor the time and space she needs to process your apology. Don't rush her; let her come to her own conclusions in her own time.

Jake Gyllenhaal: I appreciate your candid advice, gentlemen. I did have another idea, however I am not certain of its strength. But what if I apologized to Taylor through a song I wrote myself? Do you think that could be an effective way to show my sincerity?

John D. Rockefeller: Mr. Gyllenhaal, while it's an interesting concept, I'd advise you to consider the potential consequences. Your gesture could be perceived as trying to profit from the situation, or as an attempt to compete with Taylor in her domain.

J.P. Morgan: Moreover, Mr. Gyllenhaal, you should remember that according to the briefing we received about the timeline you are visiting us from, Taylor is an extremely accomplished singer, songwriter, and American. If I am not mistaken, she was named the #1 person of your year 2023. Therefore, it would be unwise to challenge her on her own turf, as it could be seen as disrespectful.

Cornelius Vanderbilt: Indeed, Mr. Gyllenhaal. Instead of a song, perhaps focus on actions that demonstrate your commitment to making amends. Show her through your behavior that you're genuinely sorry and have learned from your mistakes.

Jake Gyllenhaal: I appreciate your candid feedback, gentlemen. You're right; maybe a song isn't the best approach. I'll stick to a genuine apology and consistent actions to show my sincerity.

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